How to Say No (Without Being an Asshole) [Social Gps]

We aim to please, and so saying "no" to a request can be a hard thing to do. We don't like to introduce negativity into the conversation, cause a possible confrontation, or have someone think less of us because we don't agree. That said, it's often important to turn things down. We can't do it all. Here's how you can say no to just about anything without being an asshole.

If you're reading this post you probably have a problem saying no?the same problem I used to have until I learned how wonderful not helping people can be. But in all seriousness, saying no is about respecting your own time and making sure you're not spreading yourself too thin. Helping people can be great, but if you say yes to everyone who asks you'll never be able to do it all. You also may find that you're frequently taking on tasks you don't enjoy. This isn't good for anyone, because you're not going to do your best when you're unhappy. (Also, you probably don't like being unhappy.) If you say "yes" too much and "no" too little, you're probably aware of these issues. But how do you stop? You just need a little forethought and a little confidence in yourself. Here's what worked for me, plus a handful suggestions from your fellow readers as well.

Understand Your Situation to Avoid the Guilt of Saying "No"

When you're confronted with a situation in which you have to say "no," your approach is going to depend (somewhat) on the circumstances. For example, you might decline a request from your boss a bit differently than you would a homeless person?unless you work for a homeless boss, of course. A request for your hard-earned money, dwindling time, hand-me-down sweaters, unrivaled affections, crock pot buying advice, and semi-valuable petition signature may all require a different kind of "no." It depends on how you feel about the situation, who's asking you for help, and whether your resources you have available in the request's category. This is why declining a request can often get a little tricky. It's not always as simple as answering the question of "do I want to do this?" It also kind of is.

It helps to understand how you feel about a given situation ahead of time and who you'd be willing to help so you can give an honest answer when asked. Often times the guilt from saying "no" can stem from not really feeling confident in the reason why you said it in the first place. If you think about these things ahead of time and understand why you don't want to sign a petition or donate money to a cause you support when asked on the street, you won't leave with guilt sinking into the pit of your stomach.

Once you've figured out how you feel, it'll be easier to go with your gut on certain decisions. This way, when someone makes a request you'll be able to ask yourself "do I want to do this?" and receive a quick answer you can trust. If you're still not sure, don't feel pressured to answer one way or the other. Tell the person requesting your help that you need some time to think about it and make sure it's something you can do. If they're reasonable, they'll understand your position and appreciate that you're putting thought into your decision rather than simply rejecting them outright because you're not sure.

Make No (Detailed) Excuses

When saying "no," you'll be tempted to provide a reason because you don't want the person requesting your help to think you're so awful you'd just say no for no reason at all. But if you asked for help and someone said "no I can't," would you assume they're just declining arbitrarily? Probably not. That doesn't mean you should provide absolutely no context for your answer, but providing an excuse gives people a reason to contest your decision. For example:

"I can't go with you on a sewer adventure to find the lost poop of Isaac the Rat King because I have to mow a lawn and paint a wall."

In this highly unrealistic example, the person requesting your companionship on a gross adventure could offer to help you paint your wall and mow your lawn afterwards?or perhaps even hire someone to do it for you if they were so inclined. Applying this situation to reality, when you provide an excuse you also provide an opportunity for the person requesting your help to try and solve the problem preventing you from helping them. If they really need your help, they'll continue to try to convince you why you can do what they're asking. If you truly don't want to do it, check your excuses at the door.

That said, providing a simple "no" without context can seem a bit harsh. All you have to say is "no, I'm not able to" or "no, I don't have enough time right now." Feel free to throw in a "but thank you for asking/thinking of me" if you feel like adding an extra dollop of politeness. Either way, the idea is to avoid excuses and simply give context. Too much information will only lead to problems and demonstrate that you feel guilty about saying no.

When One "No" Isn't Enough

Despite your best efforts, some people will continue to ask even after you've told them you can't help. This kind of behavior is inappropriate and you shouldn't feel bad about countering this continued requests with a firm resolve. The person asking needs to know that you're not going to change your mind, and they're likely still asking you because 1) they feel desperate and 2) believe they can wear down your defenses until you'll finally just say "yes."

To stop this, simply let the person know you understand what they want but that you've told them no and that answer is not going to change. For example:

"Billy, I know you really want my support for your fight to immortalize Betty White on a Pez dispenser, but I've already told you I am not interested in signing the petition and I'm not going to change my mind. Please stop asking."

While I'm not sure who would refuse to sign that petition, that's the kind of polite but firm response you need to offer if you really don't believe that Betty White should be turned into a toy that vomits sugar blocks?or whatever else it is that you're adamantly against. That should end the requests, but if it doesn't you should probably remove yourself from the situation because you're dealing with a very unreasonable person.

Don't Become a No Addict

There's one more thing you should always remember: don't remove "yes" from your vocabulary. Once you start to feel comfortable with saying "no" more regularly and enjoy the free time you've regained in your life, you'll probably be more inclined to say it whenever something you don't want to do arises. I'm afraid that it is a fact of life that you are sometimes going to have to do things you don't want to do. Most people don't enjoy cleaning, but you can't decline your chores forever. You also may want to, say, help your friends move so they'll feel more inclined to help you when you ask for their help. These are situations you're likely aware of, but it's important to keep them in mind. Sometimes the power of "no" can be overwhelming, so just like with good and evil you need "yes" to balance things out.

What You Said

I posed this question to those of you out there in the world of Twitter and Facebook to find out how you say "no" when you need to. For the most part, you agreed with the above, but there were a few other helpful (and sometimes just funny) tactics that deserve to be highlighted. Here are some of your best suggestions.

Our founder Gina Trapani suggests:

I don't say "No" w/a hard stop. I redirect. "I'm not up for this, but you should talk to so-and-so." Person almost always grateful.

Jessica Olin suggests politely deferring to someone else:

Turning down a former student who wanted a letter of recommendation, I said: "There's probably someone more appropriate to ask."

Cweez suggests not being American (or at least not taking "no" too personally):

when was the answer no ever considered rude or not polite? No is no. Americans are the only ones who take the answer no personally

Berry Grapes feels a tasty pie can help (and I couldn't agree more?if I got pie every time I was declined I'd ask people for things all the time):

Just say it. It hurts less up front than finding out the lie or the problem later. But pie does help the negativity.

And finally, if you want to ensure you never get asked again, you follow the simple advice of Mark LaGuardia:

You fart.

But wait, there's more! Here's more specific advice on saying no to your boss. Also, here are a few other suggestions. How do you say no? Let us know in the comments.

Title photo from the movie Office Space.

Source: http://feeds.gawker.com/~r/lifehacker/full/~3/9Vt_Yupuubs/how-to-say-no-without-being-an-asshole

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